Saturday, February 9, 2008

A laugh and a rant about exes

Celeste has officially stolen my heart, as the person who's made me laugh the hardest in the past 24 hours. She left a comment yesterday about my picture over there in the sidebar to the left, saying she adored my baby picture and it reminded her of Dale Chihuly. Of course, I had to Google him. I clicked the first link that looked promising, fully expecting him to be a photographer like Anne Geddes, who takes nauseatingly sweet photos of babies (inexplicably reposing in giant roses and assorted fruits). You can imagine my surprise when I saw this picture of Dale Chihuly. Bwah! Bless your heart, Celeste. I had a long, tiring day trying to turn an author's meandering incomprehensible prose into something approximating English, so ending my day with that kind of laugh was exactly what I needed. By the way, Dale does very cool glass art--check out some other links for him on Google.


Giggling over my younger self's resemblance to Dale also helped me deal with the annoyance that is Kevin's ex-wife. Some of you have heard me complain about her before, so I won't get into repeating the litany of her horrible parenting skills, her nastiness, her lying, etc., etc. Well, I'll give you one example: She's mysteriously been able to afford digital cable services ever since I've known her but whines about not having money to buy new winter coats for her children. Anyway, she's always been a little afraid of me, which delights me to no end because I'm hardly what you'd call intimidating. I'm 4'11" if I stand up very straight, and if I had to compare myself to a celebrity, I'd say Mrs. Claus before her red hair turned gray. Not exactly the stuff of nightmares, but she fears me so much that she's terrified of actually speaking to me on the phone. Mwah-ha-ha-ha.

Here's how I know that: When she wants to call Kevin, she has to work up the nerve to leave a message for him, so she calls about five to six times first, hanging up right before the answering machine picks up each time. (Yes, she is too stupid to realize I can tell it's her because of caller ID.) Finally, she gets brave enough to leave a message, which invariably starts this way, in her slow, whiny voice: "Keeeeeeeevin, you neeeeeed to call meeeeee the second you get this meeeessage." First? I cannot stand it when people say "You need to . . ." Perhaps you'd like me to do something, or you think it's important I do something, but I don't need to do anything, except maybe pee after drinking three cups of coffee. How about "Would you please call me?" or "I need to talk to you soon." Second, she usually calls while he's at work, so he's not able to call her back until he gets home, often a few hours later. When he does call back, she bitches about him not calling the "second" he got the message, which hello? Just because he didn't call the second she left the message doesn't mean he didn't call back as soon as he got it.

Gah. ANYway, The Ex-Wife wanted to talk to Kevin about Andrew feeling "a little sick" because he was supposed to come over last night and spend the weekend. The Ex-Wife said Andrew threw up yesterday morning but was fine now. That didn't sound serious, so Kevin said he'd be there at the usual time to pick him up.

Well. I wish you could have seen this poor kid when he walked in. He threw up three times yesterday, not once, and he had a fever of 102 and a cough that rattled the windows. He couldn't take his coat off for half an hour because he had chills from going out in the frigid air and said he COULD NOT EAT his dinner. I've known Andrew 10 years, and I've never seen him sick enough to not eat. Plus, he was coughing and hacking everywhere without covering his mouth, and I don't want to sound Monk levels of neurotic, but Jesus. I could practically see flu germs arcing through the air and leaping down my throat.

I gave him some cold-and-flu medicine and had Kevin bundle him up in bed, and he fell asleep at 9:00, which is also unheard of for him. And then I fussed at Kevin for about 10 minutes nonstop about The Ex-Wife's idiocy in letting a kid that sick leave his home. It's not just her being inconsiderate enough to let him to infect other people, but when kids are that sick, they shouldn't leave their own homes and beds, where they're more comfortable. I don't like being sick in someone else's house, and I don't think anyone does. I've never let Daniel go over to his dad's house when he's ill enough to run a fever. With a typical cold and sniffles, maybe, but with a fever and vomiting? No way.

When Andrew got up this morning, Kevin checked his temperature, and it was still 102 (which worried me because fevers are usually lowest in the morning). Kevin asked him how he felt, and he said "Okay, I guess, but . . . I'm sorry, Dad, but I want to to go home." So Kevin called The Ex-Wife, and she said "Oh, sorry, I didn't know he was that sick." Argh! I could tell with one look from 15 feet away, and he's not even my kid!

I'm going back to look at that picture of Dale Chihuly again because I need another laugh. Damn it.