Mr. COI must die

I am livid. Mr. COI finally got on my last nerve. I got up this morning to find an e-mail from him--which was unusual in itself because he rarely e-mails or answers my e-mails--and I'm reproducing part of it here with some explanations from me:

Lisa,
This all worked better when the worked/edited copies were emailed back and forth and ALL the authors were cc'd... [That was never the practice. Files are always posted on the FTP server. Occasionally, I've e-mailed files when authors had trouble connecting to it--because I'm a nice, helpful editor.] ...the FTP server is/has been a pain in the ass. The FTP link that was provided does/has NOT worked from the very beginning. I've sent several emails about that, yet the issue has not been corrected and no one has sent me the edited versions until this week. [BUZZZ! Wrong. He never said exactly what problem he was having, despite my repeated e-mails asking him to clarify. And for the record, no other authors have problems with it. The "edited versions" he mentions have been available since December 20 of last year, yet he never asked me to send them by e-mail until now.]
What's humorous here is your willingness to accept my changes/submissions via email if I'm having problems connecting with the FTP server. [Yeah, being helpful--that's funny, funny stuff! I told the putz I'd e-mail them if necessary, but he NEVER RESPONDED. I'm supposed to read his mind?]
That said, when I don't get a copy of the edits/comments, I am working blind. As was the case for this chapter. If I see no need for changes, due to a lack of comments/edits in the first submission, I don't make any. [This makes not one whit of sense. I told him an edited version had been posted. How could he possibly assume there were no edits or comments? Pardon my language, but he's a fucking idiot and a liar. He tried to turn in last year's chapter as his author second submission, and the only place he could have gotten it is from the FTP site. And although I'm repeating myself, I think, this author second he turned in didn't even contain HIS OWN CHANGES to the draft he originally submitted last November--which was more than a month late, I should point out.]
I have about 3-4 hours this weekend to work on Chapter 6 & 7. I'll send what I have, by email, Sunday night. [And it will be promptly returned to him as unacceptable. Three to four hours won't even begin to fix the sloppy crapola he turned in.]

Want to see my response? It's not nearly as snotty as I wanted to be:

[Mr. COI], it's a [publisher] guideline to post all files on the FTP site, which provides a more objective record of when files were submitted and serves as a backup in case someone loses files on his or her system. Chapters were supposed to be posted to the FTP site when we worked on the previous edition, too; it's not a new guideline, and the other authors have been following it with no trouble.
What I find humorous is that I e-mailed you about the files being ready on 12/20/06 and offered to e-mail them if you had trouble with the FTP site, so you had more than two months to request I e-mail the files to you. You never did. I'm glad you find my willingness to be helpful humorous.
In addition, your AU2 submission did not contain [other author's] edits OR your own original Ch. 7 changes. It's exactly the same as the version from the previous edition--which was, by the way, posted on the FTP site.
Three to four hours isn't going to be enough for AU2 passes on Ch. 6 and 7. Had the chapters, particularly Ch. 7, not been submitted in such rough shape for AU1, that might have been enough time.
Hugs and kisses, [OK, I didn't really say that]
Lisa

Stephanie commented that chronic hemorrhoids might be a suitable punishment for Mr. COI. I agreed before I saw today's e-mail from him, and now I don't think that affliction is severe enough. Any thoughts y'all have on what he does deserve would amuse me and perhaps keep me from killing him. ARGGHHHH.